Maybe it's the let down after the holidays. Maybe it's how dark it gets so quickly now. Maybe it's because I'm not nursing as much as I once was so I'm missing out on some hormones? Maybe it's because I haven't been able to get out on the Kona as much as I'd like to during these past few weeks since my parents are out of town and I'm scrambling for babysitting while I work.
I feel a little low.
I'll warn you now, this post is about feeling rather displaced. I don't think I can talk about how I feel without polarizing my readers with sympathy at one end of the spectrum and judgment on the other. Ironically, it's this hyphenation that is causing the feelings of displacement in the first place.
My parents have been out of town for the last three weeks on a well-deserved holiday. Dexter has been with me full time with the exception of his time with friends, Don's parents, and Don while I'm teaching. Don't get me wrong. I love my baby and he still continues to be easy to look after. The only qualification I need to make here is that he's teething. He's been drooling a prolific amount since month 4 and we're now nearing the end of month 7. Still drool. No teeth.
What has happened, however, is his drool has caused a cycle of eczema on his face. Nowhere else. Just on his face (and a tiny patch on his hand which he keeps sucking on). I'll spare you the details of how I've been treating this, just rest assured that I have sought many different opinions on the matter and have not been idle with confronting the outbreak. The problem is Dexter hates sleep. If he could, he would stay up all the time to look at stuff and interact with people and be all charming and handsome. When he's going to sleep or down for naps, he rubs his face in protest as a part of his winding down ritual.
And yes, I know about the mitts. I've actually even started putting leg warmers on his arms so that he can't take them off as easily as the mitts. And yes, I cut his nails. Yes, I do all of the stuff I'm supposed to do.
It's a yucky cycle of dry, flaky skin. It gets better once he's got his stuff on. But immediately reverts back to its original state after only a few moments of rubbing. So whatever. We're maintaing things the best we can but a byproduct of this recent behaviour is that Dexter isn't as portable as he once was. When he's putting up a fight when it's sleeping time and he's rubbing away and then crying and gnawing on whatever is nearby, he's not at his best.
So I'm not as keen on taking him out on late nights, whereas I wouldn't have hesitated before. I myself have not really been galavanting because Dexter hasn't been able to sleep over at my mom's. Those nights when I hop on the bike after work to go meet friends for drinks or food or movies? Hasn't happened in a little while.
This doesn't mean I've precluded myself from socializing. We've been hosting at the bungalow on a regular basis, as I am more than happy to do. It means a lot to me that my friends feel at home here. There's just a feeling of being land locked. I could conceivably take Dexter out on the Madsen, but the roads are so disgusting that the return on investment would be nominal. I'd much rather hop on the bus with his stroller in these dirty, slushy conditions. The issue isn't feeling like I'm trapped in my house. I suppose it has something to do with the added layer of complexity with any given outing.
I guess I haven't stopped (until now) to think about how I don't feel as though I fit in. This isn't a new thing, actually, it's something that comes up every now and again and slaps me in the face on occasion. I am the only girl in my immediate peer group to have a baby. All of these friends have been most lovely in helping me with Dexter and being understanding and continuing to invite me to things even if it means I can't go sometimes because of logistics. They also really love Dexter too, and it's heartwarming for me to see everybody so excited for the little guy.
When I'm hanging out with my mom group, however, I also feel displaced. Since I'm self-employed I don't get a maternity leave like many moms. Plus, I really enjoy my work and it's convenient for me to do from home so starting up with my students again after 3ish months with baby, wasn't a big issue. My days (ironic, I know, since I'm complaining about who-knows-what) are busy. I don't usually have time to take Dexter to play gyms or library story times and I haven't enrolled him in lots of activities. He goes everywhere with me, and I figure he learns by watching me do stuff instead of programming activities at this age? Put simply, I just don't have time. What I mean is that I don't have enough idle time to feel motivated to enrol Dexter into things that are supposed to be educational and fun and an excuse for mom to get out of the house.
So I can't sit around talking about how I'm bored and unsatisfied intellectually. I'm really busy. And there's no way of saying that without sounding all self-important and boasty. When the moms talk about daycares and childcare for when they go back to work I try to express how I don't need daycare. I need nightcare. My job is abnormal. Again with the inconsistency.
I'm tired of being the hippie when advocating for things like not driving all the time with baby, and cloth diapers. Most people think cloth diapering is disgusting! I just don't get it. I really don't think I come across as somebody who would participate in child care practices that were horrible and inefficient and wasteful. It's just wearing me down, providing repeated explanations about why I do things differently than others. Then I am conscious about talking about my choices, without invariably offending somebody for doing things that I obviously don't condone.
Lots of moms lament about how hard it is. Actually, I have a theory that a lot of younger (under thirty) women who should be having babies, are waiting or considering not doing it at all because of the things they hear from some moms. Although I'm apt to point out the challenges of mobility via bike in Edmonton with a small child, I haven't been struck by motherhood with an anvil. Dexter has been pretty straightforward. I don't relate when other moms sit around talking about how they feel like they hate their bodies after having a child or how they feel totally exhausted. I don't want to digress into stereotypes, but all that stuff about not having time to take a shower and only wearing pajamas and needing to find excuses to just leave the house? Not feeling it. And then I feel so guilty by saying I don't relate to those things.
On the other hand, I'm segregated from the other end too. Last night was the olympic torch relay in Edmonton. It sounded like a very grand and fun time. One of my friends even got to wear the Quatchi mascot costume! Actually, many of my friends work downtown or do things related to communications or politics in some way. I work from home, so I'm not around for things like spontaneous lunches, happenstance run-ins, or the inside jokes you only get when you're around somebody all the time. I'm not saying these things all happen every day, my point is that I'm simply not "around" or as easily available. Drinks after work? I can't do those. My work doesn't end until after a normal dinner time. It's not uncommon for these people to know more about what Don is doing on a daily basis or what happened that day than I do. By the time Don gets home he's been talking shop all day. When we finally do see each other we like to relax and have fun, and don't generally feel inclined to talk about work.
So there it is. We've been experiencing wonderful weather. I haven't had the chance to ride because I'm full time with the baby when I'm not working. It sort of sucks. I really wish Dexter would stop rubbing his face and get some teeth and accompanied relief. I really appreciate my parents and can't wait until they're back. I understand this may classify as being spoiled as a new mom. I don't feel like I quite fit in, and it doesn't make me sad, it just makes me thoughtful. Something feels wrong and I can't put my finger on it.
On a happier note. I'm wearing a new satin dress. Pros are that it's so comfortable and lovely. Cons are that Dexter loves the pattern and the texture and tries to eat it all the time.
Hopefully I'll snap out of this soon, and will return to my usual ebullient self.
Note: Am reading this post again and realizing how all over the place it is. I'm going to leave it, though, because I think it speaks to my scattered brain.
42 comments:
*hugs*
yup- hugs.
winter + teething and no sleep+ removal of primary babysitting source= lots of emotions.
xoxo
oh- and I love the dress and the diapes! I adore cloth diapers I do. they look so sweet and perfect.
I've been feeling the same kind of mild malaise, and see a lot of it out around the bike grrl blogs It seems like there's lots of it going around. For me it's a tough time of winter- after the fun of the holidays, and with only February and March to look forward to.
I won't say "cheer up" but rather, I feel you, and I hope that this too shall pass.
I'm feeling it too and been re-reading up on my SAD (such an apt acronym!) therapies. There is always something this time of year, but it does pass.
As a childless friend of many new moms, I have been inspired and impressed by the sheer amount of social engagements that you’ve shared with your readers since Dexter was born. Beyond that, you (and Don and Dexter and Dougal) have consistently looked beautiful and rested and healthy and SHOWERED in all of the pictures you’ve posted. Did I mention that I was impressed?
I think every new mom struggles to find how she fits in while spanning their pre-existing and newfound social groups.
New mom groups are random women brought together by their babies, and although you went through a crazy life changing experience together, it doesn’t mean that 18 months ago you’d be hanging out at the same cafes.
Old friends are family, but they can’t really understand what you’ve been through, especially when you make it seem so easy. Know that you’ll be the #1 person to turn to when they are going through the same experience.
Have some nice wine with dinner, and be proud of everything that you’ve been able to juggle thus far. I’m proud of you! I’ll reserve my sympathies for Dexter and his poor chapped face :(
hugs from me too. I am not a mum so I have not experienced these emotions that comes with motherhood, however the wintery days, cold weather, lack of light, silly hours at work and the bleak consequences of this recession which doesn't seem to want to go away, it's making me feel exactly like you... displaced.
I lived half my life in my own native country and half in england and as much as I love both, feeling displaced is part of who I am ;) it can hit me hard sometime, but most of the time I take it in my stride...
I guess being the first mum in your group of friends means that (like you write) all your friends adore and are in awe of baby Dexter, when they will come to have children you will become even more loved and cherished with all the good advice you will be able to give, and equally with your mum's group you can learn so much from them, gain from their wisdome and receive lots of support.
No doubt when the cold weather will end and the sunshine will be back you'll bounce back to your bubbly self ;)
xxx
I was 24 when my oldest boy was born. I was 32 before my friends started having children, by which time I was on baby 3. It wasn't hard to raise my kids, I did it my own way and I dealt with the slings and arrows of what other people thought about it. Even though, like you, I had great friends and a wonderful husband and family near by... it still felt like I was on my own and I spent a good 6 years of my life feeling "displaced".
Looking back I realize I was trying to hold on to the "old" me and prove I hadn't changed, that having kids hadn't made me into "Mom". For me, that sense of displacement was the new "me" trying to fit into the same space as the old "me" and not letting the change occur. It is a hard thing to balance, especially for me when I had just started to like how the old me was turning out : )
It has an end point. Usually just at the point that you decide to have another baby! : D But even that ends and you find yourself at odds with the freedom of older children and more time.
Point being, it ends and what you are feeling is part of the process of being reborn along with your kids (it kinda sucks that Motherhood frequently feels like adolescence : )
The only advice I have- try some new lipstick, don't ever look frumpy and cringe at comfortable shoes. It may sound shallow to some, but damn! it worked wonders for me : )
This time of year is definitely a downer. I've been having the same kind of feelings lately too. With so many of us feeling fed up at the moment it's hard to conclude that it's anything other than SAD. On top of that, I for one am really missing the endorphins I get riding my bike. I can't wait for the slush to go away so I can get back on my trusty steed.
Here's to all of us feeling a bit happier soon. Thinking of you Sarah.
Nx
I'm looking forwards to Mom and Dad coming back home as well. And Mom and I will go crazy with a continuous creaming regime for baby d!
i admire you for being so candid with your readers
I've never commented before but I've been enjoying your blog for a few months now. Just wanted to drop a line saying I hope you feel better soon. I think everyone gets to blues in January, especially here in Alberta when days are so short. Soon days will be getting longer, Dexter will finally grow his teeth, and you'll be feeling cheerier. Hang in there!
Hi Guys,
I'd be lying if I said I didn't think twice before posting about feeling strange. I didn't want to appear vulnerable and "woe is me" but I figured you guys read about my life all the time, so why not be honest about how I'm feeling lately?
I'm glad I did write this. If only to have your support expressed so eloquently. This is a lot of good food for thought. On the one hand, there's the SADs angle, which obviously can't help. That will go away soon enough.
And it makes me feel good too, to hear about how you guys often feel displaced too. It seems like such a selfish thing to say when I'm surrounded by friends and family who love me, but I suppose we all feel a little displaced at times.
Adrienne, thanks so much for your comment. I never thought about it as being stuck between two miss sarahs. That sums it up pretty well. Although I still feel like myself, my life is obviously different both from before and from the lives of my peers. On the other hand I can't seem to get on board with the stereotypical "mom" stuff and I don't fit that mould either.
I'll redefine in time, I'm sure.
Thank you for the hugs and love!
I don't think you're being a spoilt new mum. I come from a small family myself and studying population policies in human geography has always struck a chord with me: more and more countries are experiencing difficulties in child care because of having isolated families. People lived (and sometimes still live) in large families close together where children are looked after, not only by parents, but grandparents, cousins, aunties and unlces, and sometimes brothers and sisters too.
I know this isn't ideal for everyone but it seems to work really well and it means someone will always be around to help out.
You're doing really well and it's fantastic to see that a new mum isn't feeling like she is enslaved by her baby and has to sacrifice herself completely (it's one of the things that has made me not want to have children).
This is just a difficult stage, but I'm confident that you can pull through.
Your comments about not enrolling Dexter in this/that activity resonated with me pretty strongly as I too have a crazy schedule and do not have the time (or a car - or a wife) to run Andreas from activity to activity. We spend a lot of time together just hanging out and doing mundane things like shopping and errands.
On top of that, you can add one more dose of guilt because Andreas has to hang out with me at my new shop after school for a few hours.
For me, I just try to remember that kids usually roll with whatever is happening and I hope that he can learn something from how dedicated I am to my commitments - him included.
Dont worry Sara, the days are getting longer and warmer, your lil fella is growing like a weed, and you'll be back riding pretty soon!
Sean
your post speaks to me too....displacement seems to be something everyone has a part of from time to time - it is hard to know where you fit when you have entered a whole new place like motherhood and all the different stages it brings with it.
Alpha - It really does take a village! Well, it doesn't have to but I think in many cases the moms who try to do everything themselves... end up feeling really overwhelmed of out of touch. This sounds insensitive, but my mom never played with me. I played with my brother and my friends and by myself. My parents were both self-employed too so we always followed them around.
Don and I have theories that multi-generational households would be a great from a land use perspective. Nobody is living with their parents anymore (well, it's not the preferred thing to do in many North American cities). Having a whole community of family around would be really handy!
More moms could continue participating in the work force, not having to spend money to daycares and babysitters.
Sean - Man, I'm so relieved to hear what you had to say! My parents had restaurants when I was smaller and we'd always spend summers and some weekends there, playing in the back. I think it's awesome for your son to be around bike people. He can do his homework.
Are you up and running? I want to blog about your place. And also visit and blog again.
S*
Gawd - Ironically, writing about how I feel a little alone is bringing out all sorts of people who also feel a little alone. This makes me feel less alone!
It's funny Sarah, I have been thinking until now that your life always sounds so perfect, perhaps because I don't have a husband or baby, much though I would like to have both. It just goes to show that we all have bad times, regardless of what we have. I hope you feel better soon. It sucks to feel alone.
It sounds more to me that you're finally realizing how tough it is to have a baby. Being a mother is a full-time job in itself. You are lucky that you have extra child care when you need it and I think that has skewed your perception of what it's really like to have child. There are many single mothers out there who don't have time to always go out "gallivanting" about town because they have to either work 2 jobs to make ends meet, or because they don't have the extra child care that you have. You are so lucky you don't even know it. Maybe you should start counting your blessings before you start pouting about how your life has changed.
there's a lot of this going around at the moment, what with the dark and cold and all. I'm self employed too and have been for over 15 years. It can be really tough and I'm sorry to say that the feeling of displacement remains. There are tremendous highs sometimes in this lifestyle, but that feeling of being out of sync with everyone is very difficult.
I wish we lived closer to you! I enjoy reading your blog because so much of what you do and enjoy is so similair to what my husband and I have tried to incorporate into our lives. It is nice to find people who agree with your principles. When our daughter was younger we were constantly explaining things to people. Now people just know us as 'the hippies'. We don't mind though :) because we are happy with the way our daughter has been raised. She loves bikes and riding the bus and we feel good about that. I just want you to know how much we appreciate your blog. Thanks for helping us feel like the only 'hippies'!
Most of us new-ish moms have been where you are, so know that although you feel alone you are not. The first year can be difficult for most new parents and everyone's experiences are different. I don't think there's any right or wrong way of feeling or doing things. You'll get through this low phase, I promise. And don't count out the possibility of changing hormones...especially if you are still waiting for the return of Aunt Flo.
I find parenting terribly humbling. It is natural and normal to have down moments and it bugs the crap out of me that someone (who posted anonymously, of course) feels it is cool and acceptable to discount your normal and natural feelings since you so honestly put them out there.
Displacement is a really good word. I feel this often-- even among my wonderful sibling clan since I have made some really different choices from them. I am truly lucky to have such a strong partnership with my guy. I am truly lucky to have these three wonderful fellas to whom I belong. But there are moments of exhaustion, of chaos, of constant pulling that suck something from me and it worries me at times that the suckage is permanent. I can intellectually see that it is not permanent, that there are moons and tides and phases, but feeling that in the moment doesn't always happen.
Here's to gorgeous cloth diapers. And extended family that loves your wee guy. And warmer days and less road slush and more time out on the bike. It will come.
p.s. I really want to hear the story behind that most incredible, gorgeous wooden piece hanging on the wall behind you.
Big hug to you.
I share a bit of myself just to assure you that there are those who can relate to your feelings. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I am technically a stay-at-home-mom, but I also self-contract to my father (ha ha) as a sort of administrative assistant by remote -- my parents recently moved to Toronto. I do the stuff that he doesn't give his secretary to do like edit his papers, do a bit of research, etc. But I work primarily as a full-time nanny to my children.
Most of my friends do not yet have children and continue to do things like hit up all gallery openings. And sometimes I feel a little bit trapped in my suburban home (We'd love to live in the city centre, but we live where I grew up and it is home).
When I am with my friends with children I am the odd one who is the only one working from home, advocating cloth diapers, natural and classic toys, and a limited TV childhood.
You are doing great and your sincerity in sharing your current struggle is a blessing to your readers who feel they are in a similar boat.
Hopefully our winter will not remain too long this year.
Not much I can add to all thats been said here ;)
You are NOT alone and I feel your displacment.
I have 3 kids and had my eldest at 22 and my youngest at 26, I had no friends with babies and always felt like the "kid" at MaB groups. Now all my friends have babies under 2 and my eldest is 10 this week! Its hard to be off kilter like that.
LIke you I also shied away from "baby activities" (seriously, does a 3 month old need "yoga"? Isn;t that just cuddles really?;)
but certainly my eldest went everywhere with us. We used to showjump competitivly and would hand him to strangers to hold at the ringside, he would nap in a travel cot in the lorry and have his feed while the horses ate hay. We raised one out going curious boy because of it.
YOu'll get over the hump. Winter is dragging..I havn't sat on a bike for over a month..have to get my fat arse on it tomorrow, roads are gritted..no excuse ;)
*hugs*
Chin up, Sarah. I think you're brave to share your thoughts and open yourself up to criticism.
We used a cloth diaper service until Isaac was 5 months old. It was cost-effective, convenient and also "green". For us it didn't make sense to spend money on disposable diapers when Isaac was a wee baby because he needed to be changed every 2 hours.
I can relate to your feelings of isolation. When I was home w/the boy, I spent many lonely days looking out the window. But, thankfully, babies grow up (it seems too quickly) and there are always new challenges and joys to encounter.
I also agree that babies don't need planned activities at such a young age. Most cultures in the world don't have programs for their wee ones,so I think you're doing just fine. I think that planned activities are a product of our culture and not a guarantee of future success.
Soon I'll post photos of the Mayan Riviera...and we brought you & Don two bottles of hot sauce, one green and one red. Hope you like spicy sauce !
Cheers :)
Man, you guys are the best. Even Anon up there with the judgment. It's okay. I realize not everybody agrees with my musings and I might not come across as somebody who warrants sympathy. It's still good to hear from all ends of the spectrum, regardless of how constructive it ends up being.
And Judith. SAUCE? You got us sauce? I have to send you an email immediately.
Late to the party but I just saw this post. I think Adrienne summed up my thoughts perfectly, so I won't reiterate her points.
I can so relate to the feeling of not fitting in - returning to labwork after being home with my first baby, staying home with my second baby, being the first and still only among the friends I was spending the most time with pre-baby to have children, being the hippy mom on my block, having nothing but my child's age in common with the others in my new-moms (un)support group, feeling judged when we had trouble with breastfeeding, watching eyes glaze over when I ran into old friends from academia and I told them what I've been up to, trying to figure out the transition between who I had been and who I was becoming. I *still* struggle a little with it and my youngest is four - although that's partly that we're living far from family and have few babysitters that we really trust with my DD's allergy. The darkness and housebound feeling that January brings doesn't help.
Acknowledging and honouring how I'm feeling, and getting out to meet new people or do things I love, and taking some extra Vitamin D, does help immensely. =) *Hugs*
I can't relate to the baby part, but I can relate to the feeling a little low part. The whole reason I started my blog three years ago (almost exactly) is because I was feeling a little low. my hyggelig is a place for me to work on leveling out, working through, and working against those lows. And the reason why we all gather in this sphere is really, to feel a little less low, to share, and to inspire - isn't it? Stay true to you ~ part of life is learning to embrace the challenge.
Best,
S
I love your cloth diaper pictures. I'm sorry you're feeling low, but I have no advice cause I feel the same way! Though my baby's teeth did finally pop through and it did give her some relief, so there is hope for little Dexter!
Well, I don't have a baby but I know how it feels to feel displaced, to feel out of synch with other women, and to not be quite sure what to do about it. I got married for the first nearly three years ago, which changed everything. We moved across country to a completely different kind of environment. I had no friends, couldn't find a job of equal stature or income, bought a new house in a bubble market (that has since lost 25% of its value). Despite meeting the man of my dreams, all the things that made me who I am, the things that I felt made me desirable to my now husband were gone. I'm doing better but I still miss the old me and certain things about my old life. I love being married to my husband and I look for pleasure in new experiences like skiing, snowshoeing. I've always been a bit of an odd-ball so my interest in all things cycle chic sets me appart but hopefully in an interesting way.
I wouldn't sweat the lack of baby activities. Dexter doubtlessly gets more out of spending time with you than he would in organized activities. At his stage of development (I am a former art therapist) his experiences with you and Don are truly the most crucial.
You are lucky that your mom relishes the time she gets with her grandchild, which allows you and Don continued connection each other outside being parents. My sister and her husband waited 7 years to have children and afterward continued to have a social life and interests outside parenting. I think its been very good for the marriage and themselves as individuals.
Good luck with gaining comfort in you new life. I know I would find myself having the very same struggles.
She Rides - Thanks for the kind words. I AM really lucky my mom is so on board with Dexter. She loves loves loves taking care of him and misses him so much when he's home with me.
I know it's normal to go through some changes, I guess I'm just super introspective and have great expectations for life with a baby. I'll get there, I'm sure!
And lucky you. It sounds like you've figured so much of it out already. Jealous!
You're jealous of She Rides A Bike and I was jealous of you because I kept finding myself thinking how wonderful and perfect your life is! It does sound to me like you've got a touch of SAD (I do too, Vancouver winters are relatively warm but very, very grey). The good thing about that is it will let up again with time which makes everything else easier to deal with. I also seems to me that you're doing a fine job as a parent. Love the outfit in the last picture too. And it seems that Dexter has developed good taste in clothes too as he keeps trying to eat it!
nowhere - Haha, NOTHING in this world is perfect:) But it's true that I am pretty good at identifying how I feel about things... it makes life more straightforward because I can make decisions, then move on. Hence more time for fun!
So far Dexter seems to be just like his father in all respects. I hope this will NOT be true of his fashion sense. However, I get the final say on all things wardrobe over here so I think baby is in good hands.
Hey Miss Sarah~
I know this is an older post but I was just browsing through some of your entries I had missed.
I'm a Nanny and I see kids all the time enrolled in so many activities sometimes its a wonder that between work and school that their parents get to spend time with them. Somehow the family I work for now have actually found that balance which really impresses me. My son just spent loads of time with me with very little outside activities. I think I did pretty good with him:D
BTW also to put this out we should meet up sometime, maybe the downtown Farmers Market. This way if you get to know me and ever need childcare you can give me a call:) LOL
I hope todays snowfall didn't make you GRR like it did me today:)
Fiona
girlcanbike.com
Fiona - I'd love to get-together! In the summer I'm pretty much at the downtown market every week:) When is the estimated arrival date for your Princess?
Miss Sarah~ Well I'm now debating between the Pashley and the Azor Oma lol My husband says there isn't much of a difference but there are little details to me at least. I'll keep you posted.
We're getting ready to move though from one part of Oliver to another part of Oliver so no new bikes until that is done at least:)
Fiona - A few things to consider! The things the two have in common are that they come with all the necessary bits (fenders, enclosed chain guard, good brakes, etc). I believe the Oma has really different styled handlebars. They're higher up, sort of like riding a Harley. That "sit up and beg" posture. Pashley's handlebars are sort of level and lower (I find this handy if I'm taking a hill, I actually get out of the saddle and rock the bike).
From what I remember Dottie saying, the Pashley is actually light in comparison to Oma.
And lastly, if you live in Edmonton it's nice to have a place that can order you parts and can help you with service. If you have the Oma you might have to DIY a lot of fix-it stuff (though if you guys are handy in that way, I guess it doesn't matter).
And Pashley comes with a basket.
Miss Sarah~
Thank you for the extra information. You've really given me something to think about. I know Red Bike will soon have all three 3 sizes of the Pashley in soon so maybe I need to try out the largest size and see if that works a bit better than the middle size did.
I'm definitely am going to want it to be service relatively easy and since Red Bike already stocks the Pashley it would be the easiest too:)
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