I know what you're thinking, "28 is young to have a baby?!"
It really isn't. But I got to thinking about this whole mom thing after reading S's recent post about life with a new baby.
I had Dexter when I was 28 and although biologically that's a perfectly fine age to have a baby, I told most people that amongst my peers, it felt like being a much younger pregnant lady. Of course, I met lots of moms after Dexter was born, but I never felt like I fit in there either.
So on the one hand I was this big pregnant girl with the moving alien bump, having to fend off repeated comments about how massive everybody thought I was (people would double-take several times a day, every day). Again, I think this might have had something to do with the masses of parents I would see on a weekly basis, back when I was teaching at a music school.
Among my close friends, nobody really stopped to notice I was pregnant, and it was business as usual - which is a good thing!
On the other hand, once I had the baby and I was around other new parents, I didn't feel the same degree of connection that I could see the other ladies forming. I think a lot of that had to do with work and other circumstances. I went back to work after 3 months of summer off and all the other ladies had a year of mat leave. So that meant lots of fun classes and excursions, while I was coordinating child-care and teaching over 60 students a week. My wacky schedule made it difficult to participate in lots of the mommy things that were going on. That, and my disinterest in certain sorts of activities that require several different mommies driving halfway across town to meet up somewhere. Also, I was generally too caught up with day to day stuff like getting groceries or doing laundry in and around my students.
For a long time I felt like a weird hybrid. Still hanging out with the same friends and going and doing the same things, but always arriving late and leaving early, depending on Dexter's disposition. Then I found normal baby-talk really boring too. Do I worry that Dexter isn't developing properly? No. Have I purchased this super duper make-your-kid-smarter toy yet? No. Is the breastfeeding and waking and changes making me insane? No.
I often found lots of the mom talk to be sort of negative. Lots of complaining! And I realize that it's probably a result of being alone with a baby much of the time, and obviously one would seek to find comfort in others who are experiencing the same thing. And don't get me wrong, I am often complaining about stuff too, but usually not baby stuff.
I found that taking care of Dexter wasn't very difficult. It helps that he is really chilled out, and he slept a lot and would also sleep in his stroller on-the-go. That gave me a lot of freedom and mobility. Plus, living along a convenient bus route and close the train made it easy to take him out without missing my bike. I wasn't just left with the option of taking Dougal out and enjoying nature walks, I could get groceries and visit friends on foot! Makes a big difference when you can conveniently coordinate being out in the city.
But, I didn't absolutely fit in with all my peers either. Time management has always been something I am really into. It has always been difficult to make plans with people who aren't very organized, because I never had too much flexibility. This became even more apparent when Dexter arrived. Now it's even more unlikely that I am able to attend a party when issued an invite via text the day before. Sorry! And dinner parties where you arrive at 6 pm with the baby, but dinner isn't served until 9 pm? Not so good for us anymore.
Since those early days of feeling sort of displaced, I have since come to embrace having a diverse set of friends to share my new young-mom life with.
There are great advantages to having people hang out with you, who aren't scheduled to the same degree that you are. We host a lot of friends over at the bungalow because it's very convenient for us. It was not uncommon for a friend to be sitting on a step stool in the bathroom, with a glass of wine, while I give Dexter a bath. Actually, my friends are so well-trained with Dexter-care that oftentimes THEY just administer the bath themselves!
If you're a regular reader of this blog, you might wonder how I manage to have the time to get out and do... all that stuff. It's only possible because I am comfortable delegating Dexter duty to others. It's a conscious choice that we live in Edmonton and didn't move away to a bigger city. We wanted to be near grandparents, who are a great help to us. And it's not uncommon for Dexter to get babysitting from our friends too (I work Saturdays). So you don't have to do it all yourself, if you have options. I think living in the same city as my parents has done immeasurable good for my balance of work and life with Dexter. Life would be very different if I didn't have the massive support system that I've created.
No matter which way a mom chooses to get it all done, my advice is always to do whatever works for you. Everybody's life is different, and the same goes for expectations. It took me a while to figure out where I stood with managing the various aspects of being a self-employed new mom married to a guy with a 60-80 hr a week job, and a good friend too. But I'm feeling much more comfortable and at home with my not-really-fitting-in perfectly in any one place. In fact, I have come to enjoy it. Most importantly, it's my life. And I like it!
Life with a new baby is... new. Every new mama will find her stride and her peers (regardless of whether it's the sort of thing that would work for me or not), and it's important to put the pieces in place to create whatever balance new mama needs. I think one of the best pieces of advice I got was: happy mommy, happy baby. It's true!
I've learned not to fret so much about what I'm doing the same or not the same as other moms. Dexter is growing up to be such a fine little gentleman, and I'm feeling great too. It might be a work in progress and things are always changing (adaptation is the name of the game), but having a little dude around is a wonderful opportunity, lots of fun, and the best life-enrichment program I could have imagined.
Being a "young" 28 yr old new mom? It was the best decision I've ever made. Even if it made me feel like a weirdo for a while. I've come to realize, it wasn't Dexter who made me a weirdo. I've always been a bit off the beaten path. And that's okay!
9 comments:
Excellent post, Sarah! My husband and I are expecting our first in February and I can already identify with many of your thoughts regarding other moms--sometimes it's just wonderful to compare weird pregnancy symptoms, but other times I just want a normal conversation about books, or music, or food, or any other topic of interest.
Thanks for the great advice! I'll be saving it and referring again!
Also, congratulations on your upcoming addition! Dexter seems to be a remarkably well-adjusted kid and I think he'll be really lucky to have a younger brother or sister.
Emily
www.softexplosions.blogspot.com
This was great to read! I am 28 and 7 months pregnant, just like Emily. In Austria, 28 is a rather average age to have kids, probably most women have their first child even earlier (not so much in the city though, where well above 30 or even 35 is the standard). Currently I am in Paris, and I read that the average age for French women to have kids is about 28.5 here (but not for the first child, in general).
What you wrote about fellow mums is also what I am already fighting. I don't want to be a full-time mum only talking about baby poo-poo and breastfeeding, not even for a year. Childcare options are very rare though, practically nothing exists for children under the age of 12 months, and too little beyond. Most parents simply have to stay at home for at least 2-3 years, because they don't have a family support network either. And, strange enough for me, most women even want to stay at home for so long, and longer. My own mother, too, is already getting worried about me wanting to go back to work after giving birth. But I made a good choice with my husband, he's completely supportive of my plans (and him doing much of childcare, too). Let's see how things will turn out eventually. You seem to be one of the few people who do things the way I would like them to happen. It's good to see that it can work :-).
interesting how perspectives can differ even in the same city - when my daughter was born, the majority of moms in our New Moms Network were mid-to-late 20's (like you), and those of us in our later 30's were the ones out of place amongst all the younger ones. Even now, most of the moms I see at various events/activities with my daughter are late 20's, so I thought 28 was the usual average or even a bit old for Edmonton, not young ;-).
guidemd - I think the displacement had less to do about age (28 was young to have a baby, amongst our peers, but not generally speaking) and more to do with schedules/work/priorities. Most of the moms I met were really READY to have kids, it was something they had thought about and planned for and the baby was a real project for them.
Don and I decided to have Dexter, and conceived very quickly. We knew that tailoring down other parts of our lives weren't really an option at the time (no mat leave with self-employment, or benefits), so it's been very go-go-go!
So perhaps the displacement is less with age, and more with situation and inclination. I find I get along best with moms who have kids who are about... 6-10 if not older. They seem to have developed the same level of "chill" that I have.
Regardless, I've seen young and older moms both totally in love with their babies, which is the most important thing!
emily - You're not alone! And good luck with your coming little one - yay for you guys!
Anna - Work for me is very enjoyable, and I can heartily say that what I do has a very direct correlation with who I am, which is one of the reasons I wouldn't want to stop doing it. Being self-employed, putting Dexter in day care isn't really an option, as both Don and I are tied up in the evenings. I can understand taking a year off to hang out and chill out, and I've seen some moms do it with lots of grace and creativity!
Amongst the parents of my students I also know lots of moms who are full-time moms, but they're also super well-rounded people and very interesting, which makes them delightful to visit with. And their kids are rad to boot, too.
For Don and I, the option would be for me to either continue working so we can do things like... you know, pay down the mortgage? But finding appropriate and dependable child-care is likewise a huge challenge! Good help is hard to find, and having the time and flexibility to work comes at a price too (grandparents aren't all equipped to handle 40 hours of baby-care a week).
I suppose the other alternative is not to work, and to save money that way, and do all the Dextering myself. But thinking ahead to 5 years from now when D goes to school, what am I supposed to do with myself then? So that's why I've decided to keep working. Because it brings joy and diversity to my life, continues to provide our household with a 2nd income, and most of all - it's fun!
Instead of referring to myself as "mom" around here, I often refer to myself as "project manager".
I have three sons (two while doing my undergrad degree) so I can totally relate to being a busy mom.
Having children is a huge responsibility and while not everyone chooses this path at the same time (some of us were only 21) it's a very important role.
I think it's great that you are able to continue being active in the 'stuff' that make you, you. This is where a lot of moms suffer, they give up themselves for their families. Reading your blog has helped me to remember 'me', you are an inspiration even to moms like me with two adult children and one teen.
I really enjoyed reading this post, Sarah! It's fun to hear more about how life with new Dexter went. I also had C. at 28 and am in a hybrid sort of place in life: not quite stay-at-home mom since I have a dissertation to finish but not employed outside of the home either. I have academic friends who don't have kids and mom friends who don't quite get what my academic life is all about.
I think you hit the nail on the head with your suggestion to find what works best for you, to not be afraid to share responsibilities and ask for help, and most importantly, to know that a happy mommy a happy baby makes.
These are all things I'm still figuring out and learning to implement now that C. is almost 4 months old. It's a major learning process and I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in in this hybrid sort of place I currently am inhabiting. But one thing's for sure: there is a lot of JOY in this motherhood thing. It's not easy, but it's oh so wonderful :)
Can't wait to see how you add a second little one into the mix. I have a feeling you're going to be amazing at it and I can't wait to pick up some tips from you before we have a second one. :)
xo
S.
Congrats to you on the second! I've never felt super comfortable in the mom world, but I've been lucky to meet some great moms. Now with two, I feel like an old pro. It's much much easier the second time around.
And, I ran with my second until 20 weeks. I only stopped because I felt like I was going to fall over (earlier weight gain happened to me too).
Best of luck to you!
It seems there are two age categories when it comes to having babies.
My friends who did not attend university had kids ~23. We are all about 26 now, and most have two children. Unfortunately, none of them are married, and most of the children were a product of irresponsibility.
I'm not saying everyone has to be married, but a commited relationship is a must!
My other friends went to university and now have children. They are 28-32 years old.
I am in between, and I hope I have kids someday, before 35! Fingers crossed.
Anyway, lovely blog, I'll be following from Ottawa :)
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